


Hurt Me Once (Or Twice If You Need To)

by Random_Fandom_writer



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Abused Evan, Abusive Relationships, Angst, Connor is a bit not good, Evan cant seem to shut up, He doesn't deserve this, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Poor Evan, abusive connor, and by a bit not good I mean really messed up, it leads to some problems, read with caution, this is just straight up angst my dudes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-26
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2020-03-08 11:29:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18893734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Random_Fandom_writer/pseuds/Random_Fandom_writer
Summary: Evan didn't know when he started to feel afraid.Well, he's always been a skittish person, but I mean really afraid.Because he wasn't at first, although supposedly that's how these things go. But really. Connor was great.Or...The many times in which Evan's mouth got him in trouble.





	Hurt Me Once (Or Twice If You Need To)

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings: Psychological/physical/verbal abuse, manipulation, strong language, anxiety/anxiety attacks, implied self harm, a bit of non-consenting stuff, drug abuse, just bad, bad mental health
> 
> There isn't really graphic violence, but I thought I should put it as an archive warning just in case.
> 
> ALSO
> 
> If any form of abuse triggers you or makes you uncomfortable in any way, please do not read this. Your health and safety is extremely important. There are many other fics that you would be much safer reading.

Evan didn't know when he started to feel afraid.

Well, he's always been a skittish person, but I mean _really afraid._

Because he wasn't at first, although supposedly that's how these things go, but really. Connor _was_ great.

 

* * *

_'Don't get involved, don't get involved Evan he's the school shooter-'_

"-Maybe... Maybe we don't have to pretend to be friends."

_'Dammit Evan.'_

Connor's head immediately shot up. "What?"

_'Fix it, fix it, fixitfixitfixit-'_

"Only if you want to of course, I'm not gonna like, force you to be friends with me that's- how sad would that be? I was just- never mind."

"...You're pretty weird Hansen."

"Yeah."

A long silence dragged out in which Evan debated how risky it would be to jump out of the second floor window. It's tempting, because at the moment anything seems more savory than grating through the rest of this pathetic attempt at social interaction.

"Me too." At Evan's confused look he continued. "Me. I'm... Pretty weird too so... Fuck it, what do I have to loose?"

"E-Excuse me?"

"Friends. For real, not pretend." Connor nervously scrubbed at his neck, ready to withdraw the statement at Evan's hesitation.

"O-ok."

_He shouldn't have gotten involved._

 

* * *

 

And despite the fear, Evan really does love Connor. And Connor loves Evan back! Otherwise why would he bother to put up with someone so _pathetic_ and _dramatic_ -

It's a bit harsh, Evan thinks, but someone once told him you never lie to the people you love, so it must be true.

_'He must be a saint to stay with you.'_

 

* * *

 

_**"Fuck you Evan."** _

Evan is stupid. So, so stupid because he can never seem to stop speaking, and it really is his own fault when shit like this happens. _'Your fault.'_   He needs to fix it now, _'fucking fix it Evan'_ because Connor is angry, and that is never good. "Connor no wait- please, let me explain-"

 _"Explain what?_ That you're only 'friends' with me so you can fuck my sister?" A snarl met with a fearful flinch.

Evan desperately scrambled to catch up with the other as he stormed away. "I-It's not like that anymore please-"

"Tell me Evan. How does it feel?" You've done it. You've seen how crazy I am. Now you can go tell your real fucking friends about how insane Connor **_fucking_** Murphy, is."

"N-no Connor, your my only friend I would never-"

"Am I really?"

"W-what?"

"Are we really friends, or was that a joke? Am I a fucking joke to you Evan?"

Evan swears Connors thought process is screwed because he's not capable of doing _anything_ like that. "No, no I would never, please Connor let me-"

The taller whipped around to face the other, and Evan finally got a good look of his face. His mouth was pulled back in a snarl, and Evan had to hold back a whimper of fear as his voice grew steadily louder. "People like you are why I want to _fucking off myself_."

Evan stumbled back as if he'd been slapped, hitting the ground clumsily. "You don't mean that." His voice was barely above a whisper.

A long pause. "I should go."

"N-no _wait."_

And he was gone. Sweeping himself into his beater of a car, and pulling out of the abandoned apple orchard.

***

"That was really shitty Connor."

"I know." His voice was monotone, drained of emotion. It scared him.

"You can't just _say stuff like that_."

"I know."

"You just left me there. Alone. I had to call Jared to pick me up." _'At least he found it funny.'_

"...I know."

"Jesus- is that all you can say?"

"I'm sorry, you just- you made- I got mad." Evan could feel the underlying blame. He couldn't be bothered to defend himself, instead, redirecting the conversation.

"About Zoe-"

"She won't ever love you back you know."

"...I know."

 

* * *

 

Evan knows that it's unhealthy. But Connor _stays,_ Connor puts up with him, and that's the most he can ask for.

And he's afraid. He's afraid of a lot of things, it's just part of his lifestyle. But he's mostly afraid of what will happen when Connor leaves. Because then he'd be alone and _'God no, never, I can't be alone, not again.'_

 

* * *

 

"Just to be clear, you... Don't like Zoe anymore?" They were walking side by side, shoulders bumping casually as they moved along.

"Oh um- no, no I don't. I'm not sure I ever actually _did_." He shot him a questioning glance and Evan continued. "Just- I only really liked the-the persona of her. She just seemed so... _Perfect._ The girl every guy would love to have. But I... never actually knew her. I think I just wanted something to hold onto." Connor nodded, and shame bled on his face. "Con, I'm not mad at you for... Not anymore."

"Ok."

***

"Just curiosity. Do- is there anyone else you like? Now that Zoe is..."

He debates his answer. _'I could say no, but then I'd be lying and Connor always knows when I'm lying to him, and then he'll get mad again and...'_ Evan would do pretty much anything if it spared an argument, but with Connor it seems pretty much unavoidable.

"You don't- You don't have to tell me if it bothers you that much," he replies, a tinge of annoyance displayed on his features.

"Nononono," his words mash together as he tries to prevent him from pulling away. "I- I do. Like someone that is," and Evan immediately realizes his mistake.

A flash of something unfamiliar to Evan flashes in the others eyes. It's not good whatever it is. "Oh, um. Who?"

His brain screams at him to stop- ' _stop it'_ \- because he's got a bad feeling. A very bad, no good feeling in his chest. And he wants to run and hide, because _that look_ can't mean anything other than _badbadbad_. He can't seem to even keep himself from growing frustrated because he _knew_ this would happen, and he _tried_ to avoid it, but that's the thing with Connor. Nothing is avoidable. And all he wants is for this to stop but it won't and now he's saying something, and nothing good can come from it. "I- I can't tell you that." He chuckles nervously and mentally yanks at his hair because ' _why can't I just shut up?'_

"Why not?"

_'Because it's you.'_

That's what he almost says. He manages to stop himself.

Evan thinks the consequences would have been less if he did just say it, because now Connor is screaming again and it's _his fault, his fault._ He's yelling something about trust, or therefore the lack of it on Evan's end, and he just wants to fix it, backtrack, _stopstopstopit._

"Connor I **do** trust you." He doubts yelling will make anything better, but he may at least get his point across.

"Then **why-** "

" **Because** \- Because it-"

"Because you're scared? Of me, is that it?"

"I-I'm not scared of you." It's a lie they can both tell, and it only proves to fuel his anger further. He takes a step closer to the blond, twitching as the latter flinches back.

"Do you think I'm going to hit you? _I'm not going to **fucking hit you."**_

 ** _"Well how am I supposed to know that?"_** Evan can't even remember why they're fighting, and maybe that's cliché, but he really can't. They talk, Connor yells, and Evan takes the blame. It's a vicious cycle. "How the _fuck_ am I supposed to know that?"

Connors jaw clenches, his knuckles whitening as he struggles to keep his voice steady. "Because you are the _one good thing_ in my life Evan. And I couldn't live with myself if I knew I hurt you."

Screw it. Screw this. Because now all he can feel is desperation, that's almost painful because he's giving him that defeated, broken look and he can't really be held accountable for what he does next. He surges forward, capturing the others lips with his own roughly. He can feel him tense against his body and Evan almost pulls back because _'this is the opposite of fixing it'_ but Connor quickly snatches his waist, keeping him planted.

It's blissful at first, but soon reality is pulling him back, and he rips himself away. "Connor I am- I don't- oh my God did I just- I'm sorry."

"Shut up."

"What?"

"I said shut up and do that again."

 

* * *

 

It's dangerous, but then again, he knew what he was getting into, so it's really none other than his own fault. It's a dangerous game and Evan doesn't think either of them are winning.

 

* * *

 

Connor's high, which is a no good very bad situation, because Evan is really not qualified for taking care of any of this. It's not at all like what the television portrays, he notes. No sir not at all. In fact, it's the opposite. High Connor is wild tangents at unearthly hours of the morning, and a bark as bad as bite. Wide eyes and bloody wrists. Unpredictable, inconsolable, erratic. In other words, high Connor is a temperamental Connor.

Those are on the bad days. On the good days, he's soft smiles that sober Connor would never be able to produce. Relaxed and calm. Giggly, and endearing.

Sometimes it's a mix of both, switching between a blissful high- as Evan has dubbed- and angry, paranoid high. Quite exhausting if you ask Evan.

The main problem is that Evan can never really know what he's getting into. Not until it's too late usually, and by then he's getting screamed at. It's not even the first time he's had to deal with a high Connor, and it certainly won't be the last. However, this is the first time since they've gotten together. He didn't expect that change things.

Evan was pulled out of his thoughts as Connor threw himself into his lap, voice light and breathy. "I can see up your nose."

_'Good day then.'_

"Connor." He kept his voice stern, although an embarrassed blush was creeping its way up his neck. "I thought we were supposed to be working on this."

"Hm?"

"Smoking. You were doing so well Con, what- what happened?"

"Shit happened."

"Right." He glanced at the clock, eyes bugging as he reads 2:37AM. "Well, it's late so _you_ are going to bed."

Connor, however, seemed to have other plans. "No." He crossed his arms, sticking out his bottom lip exaggeratedly.

" _Connor_."

"I don't want to." He shifted, propping himself upwards to sit in Evans lap. "I'm fine, _and."_ He trailed off, dragging a finger along the underside of the others chin with a smirk. "I can think of some much more interesting things to do."

Apparently high Connor is also a horny Connor.

Huh.

He chuckled nervously, shaking his head slightly. "I- I don't think that's a good idea Connor."

"And why not?" He smirked as he saw the other boy become increasingly more flustered.

"Y-you're not in a steady state of mind right now so why don't you just..." He placed a hand on Connors chest, easing him backwards.

"You're no fun. You gotta learn to loosen up a little bit."

"Con-nor" His voice cracks as Connor pushes on, resuming his position in his lap and grinding down. "Connor stop." He doesn't in fact, stop. Instead, he plants his lips against his neck, leaving light kisses as he travels down to his collarbone, than back up. A muffled whine escapes his lips as the brunet reaches a sensitive spot near his jaw, encouraging him.

Evan's brain is screaming at him, because he doesn't want this, not like this. " _I said stop Connor."_

He doesn't stop.

Evan plants his hands on the others chest, shoving him back roughly. He falls back, lips parted in shock. "What the fuck."

He's shaking, and not in the good way. His body jerks in slight tremors as hot tears try to escape down his cheeks. "I- I-"

"What the **fuck** was that for?"

"I- I didn't wa-nt that." His voice is hiccupy as he fights to regain his breath.

"Really? Because you seemed pretty into it to me."

This is dangerous, he thinks, because Evan recognizes that no good very bad look and it's all he needs before the tears come. "Th-at doesn- doesn't mean- I didn't- wasn't-"

"Get out."

He gapes, staring blankly at Connor.

"I said **get out."** He jumps up, grabbing the nearest thing -which just so happens to be a glass- and throwing it at the wall beside Evan. It shatters next to his ear.

Evan doesn't need to be told again.

***

"Evan I'm so fucking sorry."

"Ok."

"Ev, baby please, I was high and- and not thinking straight, it won't happen again ok?"

"Yeah."

"I'm-" Evan cuts him off, spinning around and grasping his shoulders gently.

"I know. Can- can we just forget about it?"

"Ok, yeah um. Yeah."

 

* * *

 

Evan concludes that he's dying, because why else would his chest hurt this much? It hurts, and it's hard to breath, and Evan thinks it'd be better if he were to just let him go. He knows he can't because the thought of a Connorless world is not one worth living. 

The reality that he's become so codependent terrifies him.

 

* * *

 

"-It's just so unfair." Evan's ranting to Connor, arms gesturing animatedly as he retells the events on his mind. It's been a bad day for him, but it's getting slowly better because Connor's here and he is good. The latter nods, his eyes rolling, almost unnoticeably so.

Almost.

"What was that?"

"Hm, what?"

"You just- I thought I saw you- never mind." He pauses before picking up again. "I just thought I saw you roll your eyes." He smiles tightly, looking at Connor with a scrutinising gaze because _'I'm just being stupid, he'd never do that.'_

"I just... I think you're making a bigger deal out of it then you should be." He shrugs, averting his eyes to study the ground nonchalantly.

Evan's stomach drops and he brings his voice down to a whisper. "But- I mean- well maybe, but it still made me upset." _'Right?'_

"I guess."

"Are- are you saying I'm not allowed to be upset?"

"No, I'm just saying that there are worse things to _be_ upset about."

An all too familiar feeling of dread settles in the pit of his stomach like a stone. He feels like crying. Instead, he forces the lump in his throat down and continues. "Like- like what?"

"I dunno."

"Like your problems?"

"Well-"

"That's it isn't it? Do you want me to throw a pity party for you? Is that what you want-"

"Evan, you don't have it that bad, seriously. I mean, you have _anxiety_. Get over yourself, it's not that big a deal," Connor snaps. Evan doesn't stop him so he continues. "You have access to medication, _and_ you have a therapist- which you are lucky to have- and _all you do_ is complain about how much you hate it. Me? I'm just as fucked up as I was three months ago, and no closer to any of the _shit_ that you have. You. Don't. Have. It. Bad. And I'm sick of hearing about how much your life fucking sucks because it doesn't."

Evan wants to defend himself, but he can't. He can't defend himself because Connor is right.

"Ok." He smiles, rubbing away salty tears with his sleeve before Connor can see them. "I won't bring it up again."

 

* * *

 

He wonders if there is something wrong with him for putting up with all this crap.

There's probably some weird psychological reason behind it that Evan decides he doesn't really want to know. 

 

* * *

 

It's a bad day for Connor. He seems to have a lot of those.

It's quite tiring, because the bad days are the ones in which Evan gets the brunt of everything. He supposes it's his fault. He doesn't quite know how, but he gets a feeling.

Connors yelling again. He can't bring himself to tune into what he's saying, or even care.

Evan's just really fucking tried of it all.

"-And- are you even fucking listening to me?"

He slowly turns to meet his gaze. "Y-yes?" It comes out as a question, was it supposed to be a question? "Um, I don't really know why I said that I- no. Sorry?"

Connor lets out a frustrated growl, tugging at his hair.

"H-hey, Con don't do that." Evan reaches out to detangle his hand from his locks.

 **"Don't touch me."** He swipes a hand out harshly, a resounding slap emitting from the action.

The buzzing in Connors brain is gone, and so is any remaining dignity because suddenly Evan's on the floor, cupping both hands to a stinging cheek.

"Ev. Ev baby oh my God." He nearly lets out a sob as Evan flinches back when he advances closer. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry babe."

He kneels in front of him, his arms wavering in the air as if he doesn't know what to do with his hands. "Can- can I touch you?"

Evan lets out a strangled sob because Connor was never safe, but he still finds himself craving his comfort. So he reaches his arms out, burying his head in the others shoulder as he accepts the embrace.

It's a long while before either speak.

"I thought you said you wouldn't hit me." His voice is slightly muffled by his shoulder.

"I know, I know baby I'm sorry."

"You lied."

"...Yeah. Yeah I did." Connors chest tightens as the others body trembles. "Can you forgive me?"

There is no insinuated blame this time, and that alone is enough to make Evan a little dizzy because for once he his owning up to his own mess.

And Evan says yes.

_Of course he does._

 

* * *

 

Sometimes he feels as if he made the wrong choice, but then he remembers what it was like before. He can't tell which one's worse really.

Maybe this is just how it should be.

 

**Author's Note:**

> So this is pretty sad.
> 
> I'm sorry, I make them hurt too much. Don't ask me why, I don't know the answer, then again I don't know a lot of things.
> 
> I also feel like I skimmed over the non-con part and that is due to the fact that it makes me extremely uncomfortable so sorry if that part feels rushed. 
> 
> I've seen a few stories with Connor being abusive towards Evan and it ending with them breaking up but I honestly think that Evan would never think of letting him go if that happened because that would mean he's alone again. So I came up with this.


End file.
